Forward Motion
Here it is, midafternoon and New Years' Eve. The guys are watching World Junior Hockey and I am making finger foods. Chicken Satay, Sausage Rolls, Spicy Tortilla Rolls, Dips and Chips. I have phoned around to a few friends. Some may come by, or not- and I am good with that! I do love to feed people, but this year, for this night, we are just taking stock of all this last year had for us and the hopes we have for this next year. If we have friends come by to share that with, even better!
This year has had some pretty difficult moments. On this night, one year ago, I was 9 days post-surgery. I was tired and in a bit of pain. Not bad, just a bit. I had no dates yet on therapies to come, but knew I had them to look forward to. Decisions needed to be made on where, how,why and for what purpose. Keeping an open mind, but prayerfully considering everything placed in front of me, I wandered boldly on. I wanted to take charge of as much as I could, to still feel in control in the areas I could and simply to feel like it was mine, not the doctors or anyone else making those decisions for me.
Highlights of the tough times included losing my eyelashes and eyebrows. I wasn't prepared for that. another very tough period was when I landed in hospital, not sure if I would live or die after my 4th chemo. I had not planned on dying, which is why I went ahead with chemo and radiation! God and I had some serious discussions as I let go of some more areas I had not surrendered. We made it through that difficult time. One more very tough moment I remember is during my Cat Scan in Victoria. Radiation went very well, very predictably. I had a lovely home to stay in and enjoyed the respite taht being alone brought. My neighbours were wonderful and my community was fantastic. I wrestled with absolute fatigue throughout the second half of the month of treatment, but once again, that was predictable. But on that Cat Scan day, I felt so completely alone. Once again, faced with the unknown, faced with more questions than answers, I was alone to speak for myself. My chemo arm had, by this point, hardened and scarred veins, making blood tests or IV's completely impossible. I would ask for tests to be done in my 'surgery' side- and usually, that is what would happen! I am not suffereing from edema and am completely grateful to my surgeon for not taking more lymph nodes than necessary! this being true, I felt I could speak for myself- yet on this one day, I had to have an IV for the test. They tried 6 times to get one in my vein and could not- so an IV specialist had to be called in. She poked again, with enough pressure to make her hand shake, trying to get a needle into that vein- and succeeded with her last try. I laid there, tears streaming down, feeling so completely and utterly alone. She mistook that for tears of pain- but that is not what it was! I have a very high tolerance, but loneliness sure is a different matter.
With all of this in mind, I am taking stock today. I look back at those tough times and realize that two out of three were largely about my family. What it means to me, how they figure in my life and how I have spent my adult years investing in all that they mean to me. I know I could do more to show it and often drop the ball when it comes to moments spent well, but as I take stock today, I purpose to place my family in the highest priority. God is always first, but He wants me to invest in those relationships He has placed in my life- and I count it a privilege to have more time to invest!
Andy and I wish for you health and happiness, love and friendship and JOY in 2011.
This year has had some pretty difficult moments. On this night, one year ago, I was 9 days post-surgery. I was tired and in a bit of pain. Not bad, just a bit. I had no dates yet on therapies to come, but knew I had them to look forward to. Decisions needed to be made on where, how,why and for what purpose. Keeping an open mind, but prayerfully considering everything placed in front of me, I wandered boldly on. I wanted to take charge of as much as I could, to still feel in control in the areas I could and simply to feel like it was mine, not the doctors or anyone else making those decisions for me.
Highlights of the tough times included losing my eyelashes and eyebrows. I wasn't prepared for that. another very tough period was when I landed in hospital, not sure if I would live or die after my 4th chemo. I had not planned on dying, which is why I went ahead with chemo and radiation! God and I had some serious discussions as I let go of some more areas I had not surrendered. We made it through that difficult time. One more very tough moment I remember is during my Cat Scan in Victoria. Radiation went very well, very predictably. I had a lovely home to stay in and enjoyed the respite taht being alone brought. My neighbours were wonderful and my community was fantastic. I wrestled with absolute fatigue throughout the second half of the month of treatment, but once again, that was predictable. But on that Cat Scan day, I felt so completely alone. Once again, faced with the unknown, faced with more questions than answers, I was alone to speak for myself. My chemo arm had, by this point, hardened and scarred veins, making blood tests or IV's completely impossible. I would ask for tests to be done in my 'surgery' side- and usually, that is what would happen! I am not suffereing from edema and am completely grateful to my surgeon for not taking more lymph nodes than necessary! this being true, I felt I could speak for myself- yet on this one day, I had to have an IV for the test. They tried 6 times to get one in my vein and could not- so an IV specialist had to be called in. She poked again, with enough pressure to make her hand shake, trying to get a needle into that vein- and succeeded with her last try. I laid there, tears streaming down, feeling so completely and utterly alone. She mistook that for tears of pain- but that is not what it was! I have a very high tolerance, but loneliness sure is a different matter.
With all of this in mind, I am taking stock today. I look back at those tough times and realize that two out of three were largely about my family. What it means to me, how they figure in my life and how I have spent my adult years investing in all that they mean to me. I know I could do more to show it and often drop the ball when it comes to moments spent well, but as I take stock today, I purpose to place my family in the highest priority. God is always first, but He wants me to invest in those relationships He has placed in my life- and I count it a privilege to have more time to invest!
Andy and I wish for you health and happiness, love and friendship and JOY in 2011.
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