Driving Contemplations
Sun sitting on the shoulder of the mountain, shadowing pink in the ice mist. A long drive past the thickly crusted winter river, where nutrients lay in wait for the next salmon run. Thoughts dart in and around my head as I prepare to meet with another birthing client. This work, this doula calling, educator and mentor, friendship bond within giving foundation to my raison d'etre. I take time to contemplate how being a doula has impacted me in other aspects of my life and am drawn inexplicably to the thought of aging parents.
One who is close to my heart speaks of caring for ill and aging parents, not as if it drains all of her personal and emotional and financial resources, but instead builds them up. She speaks of family bonds, drawing closer and of caring for a toddler aged parent, still considering their dignity and pride in the moment ahead of her own. Esteem and respect colour her choices, beautifully aware of how this will foster the same in her own children as she ages. My memories remind me of our conversation, where she speaks of a parent's terminal pain, of life draining away and medication creating comfort, yet she speaks with gentleness and wisdom, one well beyond her years. She is laying up treasure in heaven, making investments not just in her own parent's lives, but in the lives of her family as she shares her deepest pain and sorrows now. Each investment made in each day- meals made, time spent, sorrows shared, love laid down--will reap a harvest and is done so without that thought even close to her mind. The rewards will be manifold, yet that is not what she seeks after. She seeks after, instead, heavenly peace, joy unending and love without end.
Is being a doula anything like this, caring for family, the elderly or unwell? So often, this is the very essence of what motivates and drives. I want to be used in this way, to have respect and esteem colour my choices. I want to lay up treasures in heaven, to be used in the bond a mother has with her child, to educate and care for women. I have been striving to understand the very heart of God in this, to seek after His wisdom in how He designed us. The more I learn, the more I understand King David in Psalm 139--
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
One who is close to my heart speaks of caring for ill and aging parents, not as if it drains all of her personal and emotional and financial resources, but instead builds them up. She speaks of family bonds, drawing closer and of caring for a toddler aged parent, still considering their dignity and pride in the moment ahead of her own. Esteem and respect colour her choices, beautifully aware of how this will foster the same in her own children as she ages. My memories remind me of our conversation, where she speaks of a parent's terminal pain, of life draining away and medication creating comfort, yet she speaks with gentleness and wisdom, one well beyond her years. She is laying up treasure in heaven, making investments not just in her own parent's lives, but in the lives of her family as she shares her deepest pain and sorrows now. Each investment made in each day- meals made, time spent, sorrows shared, love laid down--will reap a harvest and is done so without that thought even close to her mind. The rewards will be manifold, yet that is not what she seeks after. She seeks after, instead, heavenly peace, joy unending and love without end.
Is being a doula anything like this, caring for family, the elderly or unwell? So often, this is the very essence of what motivates and drives. I want to be used in this way, to have respect and esteem colour my choices. I want to lay up treasures in heaven, to be used in the bond a mother has with her child, to educate and care for women. I have been striving to understand the very heart of God in this, to seek after His wisdom in how He designed us. The more I learn, the more I understand King David in Psalm 139--
Psalm 139
The Message (MSG)
A David Psalm
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
When I read this, truly listening with my heart, I feel both overjoyed and humbled, in awe and naked. I will continue on this journey and find the joy and keep it with gratitude in my heart.
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